You are most definitely going to piss a lot of people off when you start doing what’s best for you…it’s just important you keep at it.
I’m going to get really real about things in my life and they aren’t for pity or woe or anything of the like, but just to paint the picture of where I’m trying to go and of what, why, and how of it all.
If you’ve been following along with my most inconsistent posts, you probably know that I have been rebuilding myself.
At some point late in November, I took a long hard look at myself and circled the areas of me that needed work and started to develop solutions to them. A very smart lady told me time and time again “all you can do is control your controllables and keep your side of the street clean” so that’s what I decided to do.
What it came down to is that I wasn’t happy at my core – I was 40lbs overweight, riddled with anxiety, barely living paycheck to paycheck, and was just this shell of a hollow person.
I aspire to live my life like how I describe my taste in music – if it doesn’t rattle in my rib cage and make me feel something then I want nothing to do with it.
I remember the turning point like it was yesterday; sitting on my living room floor in front of my white board drinking Chai tea with my cat sprawled out next to me touching my knee. I wrote down all the areas I thought needed improvement, different solutions, and the pros and cons of taking/making them.
Let me tell you, that was scary as hell, but absolutely the clarity I needed.
So there I was, fork in the road. Continue doing what I was doing or update the parts of me that were hurting me? “Normal” mundane life or going for broke.
If you know me at all, you know if I’m willing to bet on anyone, it’s myself.
- I hungered for more opportunity so I got a new job
- I pin-pointed the root of my anxiety and cut it out
- I realized I was eating hundred of calories more than I should (mainly in alcohol) and hadn’t stepped foot in a gym in months so I reached out to my favorite trainer (hiii if you’re reading this) to help me get back to healthy
- I stopped trying to make myself into these different people everyone wanted me to be to make them comfortable leaving me uncomfortable
- I reached out to my day ones (wow that slang actually hurt to type) to appreciate them for standing by me and have better relationships now because of it
- I got a tattoo that reads “Everything that happens is from now on” (Ed Sheeran’s Take It Back lyrics) to remind me that this is the one life I get to live and to do so fully
I did all these things because it was time I was selfish – selfish in my time, my energy, and my goals. To take responsibility for my actions and the consequences they rightfully served me and to pivot [insert Ross Friends gif here]. And I don’t mean in a brat-like asshole way, I mean that I had spent all this time and energy into things that were hurting me on the inside.
With that said, let me be absolutely clear on one thing: no decision I made was against or because of people or one particular person, it was because who I was and who I wanted to be were not on the same trajectory and that needed to change. If there were people left behind or hurt in the wreckage, I am genuinely sorry. However, these are things I did for me to make me. I spent an abundance of time and energy contorting myself to bend for the need of others, and it was time I served my needs and myself first and only.
The point of this post is just a long winded reminder that it is okay to be selfish in your time, your emotions, your work, and your energy. Your health in any wavelength – physically, mentally, emotionally – needs to be cared for because once one goes to shit, all goes to shit. And there is only one you.
Those closest to me ask all the time if I had never felt like that, would I have stayed where I was going – the answer is hell yes. But the fact of the matter is it didn’t. So I controlled my controllables and took initiative. I have a fabulous support system, I have a career that challenges me and gives me the opportunity I so desperately craved, I’m healthier, I’m happier, I’m more authentic, and my lashes fucking slay again. We’re having a good time.
I’m so very thankful for the situations and opportunities that brought me here and through this – but, I couldn’t continue to pour from an empty glass. But now that fucker is full with bubbling champagne.
Because of that I’d like to make a toast:
Cheers to 2019.
Cheers to recognizing the fork in the road and rebirthing yourself when need be.
And more importantly, cheers to you, my lovely readers – for always reading to the end of my babble-ing posts and experiencing it all with me.
Until the next time my dramatic, extra, hopeful post.