Swipe Left

Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Hot or Not, Match, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony, Zoosk. I don’t even know if any dating applications (outside of the first three) actually exist still or I’m in some type of Mandela Effect. Similarly to how I remember Curious George with a tail when he apparently doesn’t, when I know for a fucking fact he did.

Not only have these types of applications forced this artificial chemistry to occur due to seeing all information up front, constantly being in communications with each other, and having this fucked up validation that having a match gives you.

Don’t get me wrong, I have Bumble on my phone as we speak. And as previously mentioned, I get a high out of getting a good looking match like everyone else does. But here are some thing I will absolutely stop swiping right on because I’m tired of what these apps are creating:

  1. Hook-up Culture
    I want to know who created this and where they are because we’re about to throw hands. Don’t get me wrong, sex isn’t what I’m mad about. I’m pretty sure everyone likes sex and I don’t want anyone reading this to get it twisted. What I’m referring to is this culture that makes having any kind of commitment taboo. As if moving too fast is terrible. Trust me, I want to be cautious of my heart too, but if we’re seeing each other for more then three months without seeing other people yet still don’t want to classify it as something else then can ya let me know? Unless your ex is going to come back four and half months pregnant; that’s another story and if that’s the case just end the connection altogether.
  2. This need to be in constant communication with the other person
    Listen, I’m an adult and you’re an adult. We both had lives before each other, and with my dating streak, we’ll have lives after each other. I don’t need you up my ass 24/7 and I doubt you want me hitting you up all hours of the day too. I have my needy moments, but if you’re about to text me five times in a row right after I texted you that I’m busy and will be out of pocket for a bit, make like a stop sign and stop.
  3. Romance (or lack there of)
    Netflix and Chill is fun and all, but if every single date is to go to your house and watch a movie and nothing more, I’m going to think three things: you’re probably cheating on someone (only because I’ve been there), you’re embarrassed to be seen with me, and/or you really only want to sleep with me (see number one). Not only that, but it make’s it less fun and spontaneous. There’s no wooing involved just this I did something for you so do something for me attitude, theres just “hey, I sent you a good morning text so you wanna hook up?” WHY
  4. The need to follow me on all other social media platforms before our date
    If nothing else has happened on an app for me, it’s that my social media followers have grown exponentially. After the first few “how are you”s, “what do you do for work?”, “what are your interests?”, it’s almost immediately followed by “Do you have Instagram/Snapchat?” If you know me, if I’m glue to my phone, I’m probably home and lookin’ like a potato (goodbye snapchat option). And I not only that, but I pretty much only use Instagram to send memes to my friends (my last post was on October 13th and the one before that was July 18th. that should tell you all you need to know). Not only that, but I was once 250lbs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking proud of how far I’ve come, but I don’t need them or anyone else to think my fat photos are recent either.
  5. FBI-like stalking to make sure you’re not getting catfished
    Personally, I can’t speak to this one. I don’t believe in Googling and digging through every inch of the interweb to see what my match did last week, what his ex looks like, or what his number on the football team in high school. I don’t do this but I should, because it would probably answer a lot of questions I have – but this is what best friends are for to do! My friends will literally dig to the bowels of their 2012 Facebook profile just to make sure my match is a real person. and I never understood why until the number six below.
  6. Getting Catfished
    I know there are shows for this one, and to be fair, I never thought it could happen with technology nowadays until it happened to me. I was literally talking to him for 3 weeks. I just started my new job so things had been busy. This made making plans nearly impossible, but he was sweet and understanding. We had each other’s Snapchat, Instagram, phone number (iPhone, thank god) and it was fine. We made plans to meet up at a Starbucks near my work which worked for me because I made it my “home turf”. I shit you not, I rolled up to this Starbucks and the guy waiting was NOT the person I had on Instagram/Snapchat. He was a very big guy with a voice that was much deeper than the one I heard on the phone. He said my name so I knew it was him. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt so I stayed to buy my *own* coffee and conversed for about 15 minutes before doing the Mt. Hope Dip (basically just leaving or Irish Goodbye) with a terrible excuse…dead ass, I think i said I needed to go home and feed my cat…I mean, this is the only reason I now do my homework on matches (lightly, not like a five-stage clinger), but I’m more confused as to why people ever do this!
  7. The immature reaction guys give you when you’re honest with them instead of ghosting them
    Nothing hurts me more than ghosting. I think if we’re both adults, we should just be honest with each other on how we feel. So if I’m not interested, I’m going to nicely and maturely tell you I’m not interested. However, there is absolutely nothing I hate more than guys who insult you for being honest. My favorite one to date was some dude who I nicely was like “listen, I just have a lot going on at the moment and need to work everything out. You’re very sweet, but I’m just not interested” and his response was “fine bitch. You’re too fat for me anyways”. Like alright, cool 🙂 What a charmer.

I miss the old school feel of dating. I’m someone who prefers calls over texts, in person over technology, adventure over this weird back and forth via text. I’m someone who doesn’t want to be a moment, but an experience.

So if I have to swipe right, it’ll be on myself.

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